Looking Backward, Looking Forward
Thursday, December 31, 2020 at 11:05AM Well, we made it. The end of 2020. All in all, 2020 was a pretty bad year collectively. Of course, times were bad during the Civil War, the World Wars and the Great Depression. Still, 2020 is going to live on in our zeitgeist for quite some time.
Waking up in 2021 will not be a panacea. The pandemic will still exist. Thousands will keep on dying daily in America. Europe will continue lockdowns. New Zealand will still be one of the few places on earth where live music with big crowds is a thing.
Like all of you, I am hoping for some return to normal by the end of 2021. I do not think that normal will come by the end of Q1 like earlier forecasts. We might get there by fall. The question is, of course, what will normal be?
Will it mean packed bars with bands on Friday nights, international vacations, brunch at a hotel restaurant and commuting to the office? I suspect all of these things will be muted in some way for quite some time – or forever.
We are not putting the mandatory work-in-the-office-everyday genie back in the bottle. That ship has sailed. For many knowledge workers – folks like me who sit and type behind a computer all day – working from anywhere just makes sense. I can do a phone interview from my office, my house, the airport or beach – and I can make it a story all the same from anywhere. I can update web content and build new pages from anywhere, at any time on a schedule that makes more sense for me and thus makes me more productive for my employer. For many folks, that is the case. So we will see what the shift to online work means for cities and towns all across the world. Will people migrate from those big, expensive cities en masse as predicted? Is commercial real estate dead? This will be something to watch.
The past year was a massive one of change for me. Facing soul crushing burnout, I quit my job of the last 10 years just as the pandemic lockdowns were taking hold in the country. Since the middle of January, my life became consumed by the novel coronavirus as I worked in a field directly impacted by those most afflicted. I was always completely burned out and exhausted – it was to the point where a (very expensive and meticulously planned) two-week vacation in Europe in summer did little to refresh and relax me. Within four days of returning home from that big trip to celebrate my 40th birthday in August 2019, I was on the ropes again: not sleeping, agitated, back to fixing everyone’s problems and snapping at my husband for no reason. Heart palpitations and creepy-crawly sensations up my back were a daily occurrence.
The holiday season of 2019 brought with it a promotion and more work drama. I gave it a shot, took the promotion and then faced a reality that all my ideas and plans would be sidelined immediately by COVID-19. This is not the fault of anyone – just reality. So fast-forward to March 2020. I received a terse email after a particularly insane day and that was the last straw. I emailed a resignation notice.
After working through my required month-long notice period, I was so fried the only thing I could do most days was stare at the TV and watch Andy Griffith Show re-runs. Honestly, that is all I remember about the month of May. That and trying to get in a short daily run around my neighborhood. I listened to music (but only old favorites. I did not have the mental capacity to look up new bands). I scrolled Internet forums and read about the pandemic and watched CNN. I could not focus enough to read whole books. The opening of my housing community’s private pool was delayed due to COVID-19 but when it opened, I would go there daily and sit in the sun. I made sure to stay away from other people.
During all of this, I tried to keep this site going. Some days it was a huge struggle to just open YouTube and find a random video to post. With no tours and everything shutdown, finding a new topic to discuss each day became nearly impossible – especially when I couldn’t focus on much of anything for more than two minutes at a time.
True burnout robs you of focus and clarity and that makes writing very difficult. I did the best I could in those early months of my career transition.
During the summer, I realized that if I sat down at my desktop computer for about an hour each morning, I could organize my thoughts well enough to sketch out a book idea. I have 60,000 words done but it will probably never be finished it is current form. Writing at the time was more of an act of therapy to get me out of my own head for a little while each day. More than 90 minutes and I became too exhausted to focus again.
I took naps daily.
By July I started to feel human again, enough so I wanted to go back to work – in some form. I knew I did not want a position like the one I had left with too much responsibility and demands and not enough help. I have been a freelance writer for two decades, earning money for words and I continued to do that a little during my burnout break. The pandemic not only destroyed the tourism and restaurant industries – it also decimated a lot of smaller media groups. Suddenly, freelance budgets were slashed. I was fine but many others were not. So if a small project was offered to me, I took it. These were so few and far between, I did not feel overwhelmed to complete them and this kept my byline current.
I trolled Indeed looking for the right job. In the middle of an economic meltdown, that is a little hard but I did eventually find a great one for me and I started at the end of August. It is in an industry I have never worked in before and I get to focus my time on writing, interviewing and building website content. I get to work at home and schedule my time in a way that is right for me. I am on contract and I hope it is extended when it comes up for renewal. If it is not, that will be okay too.
At the time of starting my new job, I began having daily panic attacks to the point where I could not function. I lost 15 pounds in one month because I could not fathom the energy and effort to cook and eat. Eventually, I started therapy, which is something I should have done back in 2019. I got medication and on a schedule to take care of myself. It was the best decision I could make for myself and my husband. He was pretty freaked out during all of this. Anxiety and depression are no joke and more Americans than ever found themselves facing these problems for the first time in 2020 because of the pandemic. The issues are not new to me but I have been able to keep myself largely in control via running and proper sleep. Every now and then we all need a little extra help.
I say all this to do my part to help eliminate the stigma surrounding depression, anxiety, burnout and anything else you may be feeling because of the pandemic or otherwise. And note: while I truly believe my medication saved me and helped me function and laugh again, it does not come without a cost. The side effects were bad for a really long time. The insomnia and bathroom issues were like nothing I have ever experienced and I do not wish either on anyone else on this entire planet. It took months for things to even out – I am extremely sensitive to medication and rarely take pills. Months later, I do still have some lingering issues from time to time. Still, I would always take the side effects over white-knuckling my way through life.
One of the happiest things to happen for me and Eric in 2020 was the adoption of our tuxedo cat Roosevelt. He now rules the roost and is the most spoiled cat in America. He is great to have around! Another great thing was the release of the new AC/DC record and watching bands start to announce tour plans for summer 2020. Each time a band posted a Tweet or Facebook message about something awesome planned for the future, it served as a reminder that this lousy period was just temporary – even if it feels never-ending.
I hope 2021 brings us all much needed music, concerts, laughter and happiness. I would like to travel again someday. I have a planned trip to Disney World in June. This is a trip I have moved forward three times now because of lockdowns, state restrictions, surging case numbers and general apathy toward flying. I am ready and willing to accept my jab in the arm and so is Eric – we are keen to get the COVID vaccine when it is our turn. I do hope the vaccine rollout speeds up in America because we all have to make up for lost time.
I’ll see you on the other side…next year!
Reader Comments (5)
If I could, I would give you a big hug right now. We could probably all use that. I can truly relate to so much of what you said and have been feeling. 2020 alone has been an absolute monster to deal with. March: lockdowns and a new way of life begins... NY and NJ are hit hard right from the start. In May I had to have cervical spine surgery. The whole year goes by without being able to take a vacation. Working in what passes as TV "news" has not made for a fun time at all this year,. But does it ever? Two dear friends of my wife passed away during the year. Then it got worse. My father-in-law passed away at the end of October. I've never sat with someone and watched as they took their final breath. It was hard. Christmas Eve... a dear Aunt of mine lost her battle with Covid after an extended stay in ICU. And days later, word of a cousin passing away as well.
But I empathize with what you've struggled with beyond just 2020. I've gone through several bouts with anxiety and depression over the past 17 years. The medication. Therapy. All of it. Luckily I've had an amazing wife who's stuck through it all with me and helped me along the way. This past year has been tough, but I'm still hanging in there. As are you.
All the best, Allyson.
Eddie
I am so glad you have recovered from your surgery. I have a very close friend who is six weeks post op from a major surgery and is still stuck in a care home before she can move to rehab. Of course she can't have visitors and the pain is awful, but so is the loneliness. Plus she lives in terror of getting covid while trapped in a place that is supposed to be helping her heal.
As you say, we are still hanging in there. Happy New Year. - Allyson
Thank you for sharing. Mental illness is an illness. We all get ill and recognition that sometimes it will be mentally ill is a huge step for the world. Your words are stamping out stigma.
I am part of a family that has felt the pain of stigma associated with mental illness. I hope as I age I see people care for their friends and family with mental illnesses rather than avoid, shun and discriminate towards them. Wouldn’t it be nice if people rallied around and for people with mental illness like they do for people with cancer? Not saying cancer doesn’t deserve support, it most certainly does.
There are good things that have come out of 2020. This post by Allyson is proof. Happy New Year!! It’s only a fucking number on a calendar. I could not care less about the clock. Enjoy now.
Thank you Allyson!
Thank you for keeping this site going; it is a breath of fresh air to read about music that I love.
The most wonderful part? You end on a cautiously optimistic note. And even that tentative nod in a direction where everyone is doing a little bit better makes me appreciate what you do even more.
This site has been a haven for me. It has helped me through more than a couple of rough spots. And I, we, owe that all to you. So thanks for sharing. And thanks for giving us a place, in good times and bad, where we can fit in and find some connections with distant others who share a love of music.